Poker is not a sport. Why is poker on ESPN, FSN, even channels like the Travel Channel (wtf?)? I saw competitve foosball on Versus the other day. Say what you will, but at least its a competition against other people. Those guys were sweaty. They were somewhat active. The only way poker players get sweaty are if 1) They're fat, 2) They really think what they're doing (playing poker) is important to the general cause of the world, or 3) Theyre fat and think what they're doing is important to the world. WHY IS POKER ON TV? Why not checkers? Or maybe marbles? Or pin the tail on the effing donkey? I'd rather watch these than that Phil Hellmuth clown put on his whine face and cry about a bad beat. And just for reference, here's a picture of a topless Phil Hellmuth. His body screams ESPN. Here are some annoying things about serious poker players.
- The way they constantly stack and re-stack their chips. Stop. Please.
- How they think they're funny on TV. Then they all laugh at eachother's jokes as well, to top it off. Except Phil Hellmuth. He never laughs at other peoples jokes. Jokes laugh at him.
- How C and D list celebrities get into competitive poker, as if maybe we would care about them then. No, the only reason you have the money to get into professional poker is because comic book fanboy nerds paid $8.50 to watch you in a spidey suit (I'm looking at you, Tobey Maguire... you're appearence in Fear and Loathing doesn't get you off the hook)
- The complete lack of athleticism they possess.
- The glasses, the hats, the headphones, the hockey jerseys, the facial hair, the cleavage shirts (ok maybe not the cleavage shirts) but all the rest of the ridiculous get-ups these people come up with to give them an "edge" against their opponents. Real athletes don't need to do this. Except for maybe Anderson Varajeao.
If there was not a professional poker "industry", what would these people be doing? You think these whiney clowns could hold down a real job? Phil Hellmuth has the interpersonal skills of a plastic cup. Like not even a colored keg cup, with some personality. More like one of those cheap 6oz clear cups they give you for water at Jack in the Box.
Then, to top it off, they hire some tramp with Tiajuana boob job to interview these nuggets. What is her background? How to apply for a job like that? I bet the process goes something like this...
"Hi, like, so, I'm here for the poker interviewer job thingy. *tee hee*
"What kind of qualifications do you have?"
"Well I like totally can relate to this position (and I've been in a lot of positions *teehee*) because like, well, I'm really good with people and I love listening to whiney biatches and and omg poker is like so cool lol my myspace has shimmering stars and an animated gif of this guy flashing westside but the guy is white its totally ironic dont you think haha get it so i went to subway the other day and wow five dollar footlongs are stilllll on sale can you even believe it i swear i can eat for days have you ever had a hot dog with pickles on it at first its like omg really but then you bite into it and wow i also like tiny puppies that come up to your ankles that you can hold in your hands like a little purse but wtf theres no money in puppies why am i holding this dog like a purse omg so silly so...."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yes I have like two of them omg!"
"Dope... here's a mic and half a dress."
- How they think they're funny on TV. Then they all laugh at eachother's jokes as well, to top it off. Except Phil Hellmuth. He never laughs at other peoples jokes. Jokes laugh at him.
- How C and D list celebrities get into competitive poker, as if maybe we would care about them then. No, the only reason you have the money to get into professional poker is because comic book fanboy nerds paid $8.50 to watch you in a spidey suit (I'm looking at you, Tobey Maguire... you're appearence in Fear and Loathing doesn't get you off the hook)
- The complete lack of athleticism they possess.
- The glasses, the hats, the headphones, the hockey jerseys, the facial hair, the cleavage shirts (ok maybe not the cleavage shirts) but all the rest of the ridiculous get-ups these people come up with to give them an "edge" against their opponents. Real athletes don't need to do this. Except for maybe Anderson Varajeao.
If there was not a professional poker "industry", what would these people be doing? You think these whiney clowns could hold down a real job? Phil Hellmuth has the interpersonal skills of a plastic cup. Like not even a colored keg cup, with some personality. More like one of those cheap 6oz clear cups they give you for water at Jack in the Box.
Then, to top it off, they hire some tramp with Tiajuana boob job to interview these nuggets. What is her background? How to apply for a job like that? I bet the process goes something like this...
"Hi, like, so, I'm here for the poker interviewer job thingy. *tee hee*
"What kind of qualifications do you have?"
"Well I like totally can relate to this position (and I've been in a lot of positions *teehee*) because like, well, I'm really good with people and I love listening to whiney biatches and and omg poker is like so cool lol my myspace has shimmering stars and an animated gif of this guy flashing westside but the guy is white its totally ironic dont you think haha get it so i went to subway the other day and wow five dollar footlongs are stilllll on sale can you even believe it i swear i can eat for days have you ever had a hot dog with pickles on it at first its like omg really but then you bite into it and wow i also like tiny puppies that come up to your ankles that you can hold in your hands like a little purse but wtf theres no money in puppies why am i holding this dog like a purse omg so silly so...."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yes I have like two of them omg!"
"Dope... here's a mic and half a dress."
I think the recent popularity of poker can be attributed to a couple of things.
ReplyDelete1. The movie Rounders.
2. The insanely low barrier to entry. Do you remember Chris Moneymaker? Remember how he got on a hot streak and won the world series of poker, but hasn't done anything since because he isn't actually good? People love that. They think, "That could be me!" And it could. The entire industry is supported by a generation of losers desperate for the security blanket of fame.
3. Jennifer Tilly's breasts.
Mostly #3 though.
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