So when I woke up today, Michael Jackson's funeral was being shown on SEVEN TV channels. We won't even get into how disgusting this is. Instead, let's focus on some badasses who should have their funerals mass televised...
Human Resources Mastermind
5. Splinter
Why?
People don't understand that the TMNTs were they first generation of snotty superstars. In the days of sports free agency and musicians leaving their ultra successful bands for solo careers, Splinter held together a collection of polarizing personalities and saved us all from the Foot Clan's wrath of slow motion kicks and illiteracy. Everyone thought that Michaelangelo was going to end up found naked with a tranny prostitute, a horse, and OD'd on heroin and meth in a motel room, Rafael was going to realize that sais are the worse weapon ever in a real street fight and on all the video games and defect to the up and coming Pokemon gang, Leonardo was going to start a solo crime fighting operation because he's a stuck up nancypants, and that Donatello was going to finally realize nobody likes a condescending nerd and enter a deep, chronic depression.
Who held it all together? Splinter, of course. We salute you, good sir.
Fact - Robert Horry almost got pregnant from this.
Why?
Legendary epic babymaker, is why. Rumors figure this number to be anywhere from 7 to 13 kids. Had he not liked coke, alcohol, and vagina so much (but who doesn't?) we might remember him as one of the top 5 NBA players ever. Instead, we remember him as Jesus Penis. You would have to show his funeral on multiple TV channels because his casket couldn't fit in just one. Plus most of his kids probably don't have cable.
Unsurprisingly, thousands of photos like this exist on the internet.
3. Jon Kitna
Why?Kitna has the athletic ability of a street light, but has managed to make a 12 year pro football career out of it. And he actually did good sometimes, especially considering during most of his years in Seattle, Cincinnati, and Detroit he spent more time on his backside than Bristol Palin. Proof that Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen really was Satan? The year he made the ultra religious Kitna go on IR with a bogus injury, the Lions didn't win a game. In 2009 he'll be the backup for Tony Romo in Dallas, but with Jessica Simpson doing John Mayer faces during her national anthem performance recently, Romo might end up on the suicide watch reserve list, which leaves Jon Kitna potentially starting games this season...
Pretty much one of the coolest pics on the interwebs.
2. Diego Maradona
Why?
On the exact opposite end of the athletic spectrum we have Diego Maradona, the Argentinian soccer superstar who had every gift in the world, and when he dies (which with Diego, could be any day, and in any possible way) the world will truly mourn the loss in a megascopic manner. Unlike Kitna, who made the most of his athletic ability (namely being born with all arms and legs intact), Diego was a child prodigy who everyone knew was going to dominate the sport for years. That wasn't good enough for him though. Always up for a new challenge, Maradona tried his best (and almost succeeded a couple times) to throw away everything he had going for him with hookers, cocaine, heroin, gambling, and heart attacks.
The result? His antics did very little to ruin his gift. He was that good. It's hard enough to maintain a constructive conversation on cocaine, let enough score goals like this and this in the SAME World Cup game vs. England.
Diego, bless your heart, and your septum, liver, and kidneys, too. Epic.
Even Dick Bavetta, who doesn't love his mother or puppies, loves Charles Barkley.
1. Charles Barkley
Why?
Sir Charles is not tall. No matter what he's listed at for height in media guides, most person to person accounts put him at about 6'4. Yet the Round Mound of Rebound, usually weighing around 300 lbs, would out board everyone on the court on a consistent basis, averaging double digit rebounds per game for 16 years. But you shouldn't immortalize a guy just because he can rebound a basketball. Here's a short list of reasons why we love Charles Barkley:
-He recently got pulled over for a DUI in Arizona. He tried to explain to the cop that he was in a hurry because he had to go visit a girl who gave him the best, uh, time ever. And for some reason, the cop didn't understand...
-His golf swing. Pretty self explanitory.
-He says whatever he wants, however he wants, about whoever he wants on national TV every week. Most the things that come out of his mouth are gibberish, some racist, some unclassy, but always classic. And nobody seems to care because America loves him that much.
-He's lost over $10 million dollars gambling. Persistence.
-His name is Charles. How many people named Charles really have a chance in life? With a name like that, you're not destined for much. Off the top of my head I can name Dickens, Bronson, Brown, Darwin, Manson, and Schwab as the only Charles' I've ever heard of.
